Every day became a fight for survival, taking all I had to get to work, parent my daughter and maintain our small household. I began an early morning routine of prayer and spiritual reading. I meditated and visualized myself healthy, happy and defect-free. I read self-help and BDD recovery books, feverishly highlighting passages and going back to those helpful parts regularly.

Many of those books became lifesaving. I set out to retrain my brain to think different thoughts and to put a hard stop to the devastating ones. Slowly, I started to have good days.

Slowly, the fog lifted. And when I finally made it out of the dark two years later, I never wanted to go back again. The pain of living that existential death was worse than living with an imperfect face. But at that moment, staying in his presence was too painful. I ended the date promptly, telling him I had an early morning the next day and needed to call it a night.

I stopped interacting with Jordan and went back to therapy. That was over a year ago now, just two weeks before the country went into lockdown with the pandemic. Therapy, along with the solitude that quarantine provided, allowed me time to heal and to get my mind back on track. A few weeks ago, I got back on the dating app and recently swiped right on a man named Matt.

Matt is five years younger than me, fit, tattooed and handsome. Further, there is no guarantee the date will go well. But what lies ahead of me is a choice. I choose to live — struggles, imperfections and all. Tammy Rabideau is a writer living in Madison, Wisconsin. Her writing has been featured in The New York Times, Rebelle Society and other publications.

She is working on a memoir based on her New York Times Modern Love essay. You can follow her on Twitter at TammyRabideau2. Skip to Main Content ×. Main Menu U. News U.

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The selfie that the author took and shared on Facebook before her date with Jordan. Courtesy of Tammy Rabideau. Go To Homepage. Suggest a correction. Popular in the Community. What's Hot. Science's Weirdest Discoveries Celebrated At Ig Nobel Awards. Serena Williams Welcomes Roger Federer To A Club Without Tennis. Man Pleads Guilty To Threatening Merriam-Webster Office Over 'Female' Definition. More In HuffPost Personal. I Was So Scared Of Flying, I Couldn't Set Foot On A Plane.

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My Dad Hid My Sister From Me For Decades. Then I Learned That Wasn't Our Only Family Secret. My Year-Old Just Saw Porn For The First Time. The majority of men put little effort into their message. Take this guy; most men compliment women on their looks. First things first, stop telling women how "hot" they are in your messages.

Stay away from physical compliments, especially with more attractive women. I covered this in another blog post, Why Men Must Avoid Physical Compliments With Women On Dating Sites. On the other hand, when you focus on something she writes about herself, it shows you're interested in her beyond her physical appearance.

Here are 7 things you can compliment women on in her dating profile. Commenting on any of the choices below shows a woman you took the time to read her profile.

is showing selflessness you should bring up in your message. When you recognize a woman's kindness to others, you're showing you see her at a level much deeper than every other guy who tells her she's "hot. Your message will stand out. As you read through a woman's interests music, books, hobbies, movies, etc… , take note of things you have in common. You can certainly complement these common lifestyle choices you share.

No false compliments here; it should be something you have in common. Compliment her taste and ask what she enjoyed about the book. Here is a crucial point; you must share your feelings towards whatever interest you ask about. If you comment on a movie, be sure to share how you felt about it. If you focus on a hobby she does, tell her what you enjoy about it.

Warning: Don't say "We have similar interests" in your message. Show you share the same interests by sharing specific details on whatever you comment on.

In the example below, I use a general compliment; "I like your style," then transition into an open-ended question asking the woman what her favorite show it. The result is she answers my icebreaker, and a conversation starts. Complimenting a woman's bio is a great way to start conversations.

When a woman shares she loves her career, you can compliment her on how great it is to see someone so devoted to their craft. It doesn't matter what the job is; point out the fact she is passionate about it, which speaks volumes. Compliment women who talk proudly about their job. Telling a woman you admire her work ethic is a great way to compliment her. When a woman has a positive profile, tell her it's refreshing it is.

You can say you feel good after reading it. It's as simple as saying how you love "her energy. The positive vibes coming through her profile is infectious, and she clearly has a good head on her shoulders.

A woman will appreciate a guy who gets her sense of humor. When you find a profile that makes you laugh, you should let her know how it put a smile on your face. When you compliment a woman on her sense of humor, be sure to tell her what you found funny. Don't just say, "You have a great sense of humor. Women dig guys who actually "get" their sense of humor. When a woman shares her passion for adventure with details, tell her how energizing it is to see someone so full of life.

My first date with Jordan was moving along seamlessly when out of nowhere he made a strange joke about my appearance. He imitated what I apparently looked like — something between a piranha and a chipmunk.

For most people, this might not have been a big deal. But for me — someone with a long history of body dysmorphic disorder, this was devastating. She messaged me one afternoon with concern. Are you getting out with your friends and meeting new people? He was divorced and now living in Madison, Wisconsin, when he popped into my queue of potential dates after he, too, swiped right on my profile.

I had no sooner agreed to the date than my anxiety kicked in and I began obsessing over my appearance. Dating with body dysmorphic disorder had always been excruciating. Defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, body dysmorphic disorder BDD falls under the category of an obsessive-compulsive disorder, specifically a preoccupation with one or more perceived defects or flaws in physical appearance that are not observable or appear slight to others.

My BDD revolves around my face, specifically my nose, jaw and teeth. Like other mental illnesses, BDD varies in its severity, affecting everyone differently. Left untreated, it can lead to devastating effects, including anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. Though my obsession with my facial defects never ceases to exist completely, it had been at a minimum for the few months preceding my date, giving me enough confidence to say yes to Jordan. In fact, as I got ready to go out, I found myself unexpectedly excited as I dug out my high-waisted black pants, new silver silk top and dangling sequin earrings.

Putting on my makeup, I carefully played up my eyes with a dusty mauve shadow and highlighter above my cheekbones, attempting to draw attention away from the lower areas of my face. I must have thought I looked decent enough because I took a selfie and posted it to Facebook just before heading out the door.

It was a cool March evening when I pulled up to the Bonfyre Grill. I saw Jordan as soon as I walked in — he was standing at the bar, gazing intently at the doorway. Our eyes met and he smiled. After a nervous greeting on my part, because he appeared calm and confident , we ordered drinks and settled into our conversation.

Jordan told me he moved to the U. We both had kids, though I had only one, and she was off at graduate school. Jordan had two — a daughter in college who lived nearby and a younger son still at home. Forty-five minutes later, I reveled in how well our date was going. Jordan was gregarious and funny to the point of being entertaining — I was laughing so hard both my stomach and face hurt. He was also a passionate conversationalist with a deep voice and British accent I found uncommonly attractive.

Even more endearing was his attentive disposition — he asked me questions about my work and complimented me on raising my daughter alone as a single mom. As we relaxed into our second hour and another drink, Jordan inched his barstool closer to mine. Now facing each other with our knees brushing, he reached out and took my hand. I relished our mutual attraction as we planned for a second date. A moment later, things took a surprising turn for the worse when Jordan made the joke about my teeth.

I immediately froze up in shock. Before I could gather myself, he made another joke-like comment about my nose. I tried to play it off, but it was too late. A freight train had been let loose, and it was headed to a deep, dark oblivion. I had never been on a date with anyone who had commented on one of my BDD focus areas, and I had no idea how to respond.

In an instant, all the pain of my struggle rushed back to me, and I went into flight mode. My struggle with body dysmorphic disorder started decades ago after suffering a mental breakdown at I needed a plastic surgeon, an orthognathic surgeon and an orthodontist. The only way to stop the obsessing and mental pain, I believed, was to fix my face.

That was the beginning of a long and painful road. I continued to have severe anxiety and daily obsessiveness for months before I finally agreed to try medication and therapy. A year later, I was no longer having panic attacks, but the obsessions were still strong. I now had depression added to my diagnosis from struggling so long with no reprieve. Unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I became desperate.

The mental pain had become more than I could take. Every day became a fight for survival, taking all I had to get to work, parent my daughter and maintain our small household. I began an early morning routine of prayer and spiritual reading. I meditated and visualized myself healthy, happy and defect-free. I read self-help and BDD recovery books, feverishly highlighting passages and going back to those helpful parts regularly.

Many of those books became lifesaving. I set out to retrain my brain to think different thoughts and to put a hard stop to the devastating ones. Slowly, I started to have good days. Slowly, the fog lifted. And when I finally made it out of the dark two years later, I never wanted to go back again. The pain of living that existential death was worse than living with an imperfect face.

But at that moment, staying in his presence was too painful. I ended the date promptly, telling him I had an early morning the next day and needed to call it a night.

I stopped interacting with Jordan and went back to therapy. That was over a year ago now, just two weeks before the country went into lockdown with the pandemic. Therapy, along with the solitude that quarantine provided, allowed me time to heal and to get my mind back on track.

A few weeks ago, I got back on the dating app and recently swiped right on a man named Matt. Matt is five years younger than me, fit, tattooed and handsome. Further, there is no guarantee the date will go well. But what lies ahead of me is a choice. I choose to live — struggles, imperfections and all. Tammy Rabideau is a writer living in Madison, Wisconsin. Her writing has been featured in The New York Times, Rebelle Society and other publications. She is working on a memoir based on her New York Times Modern Love essay.

You can follow her on Twitter at TammyRabideau2. Skip to Main Content ×. Main Menu U. News U. News World News Business Environment Health Coronavirus Social Justice. Politics Joe Biden Congress Extremism. Voices Queer Voices Women's Voices Black Voices Latino Voices Asian Voices. Special Projects Highline. HuffPost Personal Video Horoscopes. From Our Partners The State of Abortion Epic Entertainment Heart Smart.

International Australia Brazil Canada España France Ελλάδα Greece India Italia 日本 Japan 한국 Korea Québec U. Follow Us. Part of HuffPost Personal. All rights reserved. The selfie that the author took and shared on Facebook before her date with Jordan.

Courtesy of Tammy Rabideau. Go To Homepage. Suggest a correction. Popular in the Community. What's Hot. Science's Weirdest Discoveries Celebrated At Ig Nobel Awards. Serena Williams Welcomes Roger Federer To A Club Without Tennis. Man Pleads Guilty To Threatening Merriam-Webster Office Over 'Female' Definition.

More In HuffPost Personal. I Was So Scared Of Flying, I Couldn't Set Foot On A Plane. Here's How I Overcame My Phobia. I Didn't Take My Husband's Last Name, And My Latinx Community Won't Let Me Forget It.

I Raised My Kids On A Nude Beach — And I'd Do It Again In A Heartbeat. I Hated Oral Sex My Entire Life.

Swami went on to note that these issues are "far from trivial for young adults," as they can lead to various mental and behavioral health issues like loneliness, self-esteem and confidence issues and poorer sexual development. When a woman has a positive profile, tell her it's refreshing it is. My Dad Hid My Sister From Me For Decades. These environments can help you get to the root of the issue and begin the healing process. Share Feedback. Meet Our Review Board.

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